


When You Assume

by IambicKentameter



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Jared has a surrogate Family now, Jewish!Jared, M/M, Purim, bed sharing, pining!Richard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:07:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21730543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IambicKentameter/pseuds/IambicKentameter
Summary: Jared promised his surrogate mother that he was bringing a nice, industrious Jewish boy home for Purim. Unfortunately, Jared got dumped three days beforehand, and now he's in a bit of a bind. Luckily, Richard has the weekend off and... He's Jewish, right?Richard has been in love with Jared for at least a year now, but rather than tell him, he's just going along with this farce. Yeah. Because that'll be good for his mental health.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 20
Kudos: 89





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have not seen Runaway Bride or Pretty Woman, that much should be obvious by reading the fic.
> 
> Ethyl and Cynthia are based on my actual Aunts, so enjoy them in all their... them-ness. Luckily real life Ethyl and Cynthia haven't met.
> 
> Unbeta'd, but thanks for reading!

“Richard?” Jared’s voice accompanied his knock on the open office door, asking permission he never needed to ask.

“Jared? What’s up?”

“I have… something of a small favor to ask of you. If you don’t mind.”

“Oh, uh, sure.” Richard nodded to the chair across from him. “Take a seat.”

Jared obeyed. He always obeyed.

“What’s up?”

“I have… put myself in something of a pickle. I was recently in… a relationship, a brief relationship, but not so brief that I didn’t… tell my family.”

Richard blinked at him. “You have a family?”

“Well, my roommate in college’s family. They took me in, fed me, etc. I still call his mom ‘mother’, and such. But that’s beyond the point. They knew I was in a relationship with someone, and so they invited us home for Purim… and then the guy I was seeing... well, he broke up with me.”

Richard’s eyebrows raised. “He?”

“Yes, of course Richard.”

Richard cleared his throat, not wanting to dwell on something that might make Jared uncomfortable. “Right, of course, he, of course. So… what was the small favor?”

“Oh, uh, I’d hate to disappoint mother, and so I was hoping, since she never saw a picture.... If you’d be willing to go with me? It’s just a night or two, just for Purim, we wouldn’t even sleep in the same room, mother will make sure of that.”

Richard’s mouth went dry. Jared? Needed something from him? This was it, finally, his opportunity to show Jared love in the only way he apparently knew how: In favors, gifts, and acts of service.

“Oh, Uh, when do we need to leave?” Richard asked, immediately standing and starting to pack his laptop away.

“You… you’ll go?”

“Yeah, I’d love to do Purim with you guys.”

“And you’re willing to-”

“Pretend to be your boyfriend?” He fought so desperately to keep his voice from cracking on the word ‘Boyfriend’. “Yeah, of course. Of course! Jared, it’s the least I can do.” He subtly stuck his hands in his pockets, trying to dry the cold sweat that kept cropping up. Maybe Jared would want to prepare with him ahead of time, maybe he’d want to make up a backstory, maybe even practise kissing…

Richard shook those thoughts from his head. Focus. “So, uh, would you want to. Uh. Practise? Anything?”

Jared nodded quickly. “Oh, yes, we should definitely go over some details, so our stories match up.”

“When do we leave?”

“Oh! Their house is about two hours away, so maybe around noon tomorrow, we can-”

“Sounds good!” Richard exclaimed. “Do you want to grab dinner? I think we should grab dinner.”

“Oh, I’d love to, but I have a meeting-”

“That’s alright!” Richard bounced on the balls of his feet, giving Jared a tight smile. “I should go pack! I’ll see you tomorrow. At noon. Maybe sooner. But definitely at noon.”

Jared gave him a warm, toothy smile. “Alright! I’ll make sure to email your assistants about our absences, and I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“Cool!” Richard said, perhaps too loudly, before rushing from his office. Where was he going? Shit, he didn’t have a plan, he just had to get out of that office before-

He dove into the nearest bathroom and emptied his lunch directly into the first toilet on the left.

He coughed, wiping his mouth with some toilet paper before flushing the whole mess down the drain. He stood, turned, and immediately ran face first into Monica.

“What the hell are you doing in here?” She asked, one eyebrow up and her arms crossed over her sensible business suit.

“Oh, just… vomiting. What are you doing?”

“Taking a shit. This is the ladies’ room, Richard.”

“Oh, yeah, totally, uh, sorry, I’ll just-”

He tried to duck passed her, but she stepped in front of him. “What’s got you, and why isn’t Jared in here rubbing your back?”

“I, uh, maybetoldhimi’dpretendtobehisboyfriend.” Richard said in a rush.

“Oh my god, you’re a fucking moron.” She groaned. “Why not just ask him to dinner! Spill your guts, and not in-” She gestured to the bathroom stall. “-that way.”

“I tried to invite him out, but he’s too busy. He doesn’t love me like that Monica, he’s like… my mother. I’m a baby bird in his eyes, not any sort of potential mate.”

“Have you considered that, rather than finding me on cigarette breaks and cornering me in my office, you could convey to him that you want to go out  _ on a date _ ?”

“How would I even begin to do that?”

Monica weighed her options, but having no real advice, nor any stake in this shit show, so she opted against being helpful. “Shut up. Tell him before this weekend’s over, use this fake boyfriend nonsense to your advantage, or never tell him at all, and use this fake boyfriend shit as some sort of closure. Do what you want.”

She stepped aside, letting him through, but not without one final word of warning. “You should tell him, Richard. Before it eats you alive.”


	2. Chapter 2

Jared had packed them a lunch. Of course he had. Egg salad sandwich for Richard, lettuce and tomato on gluten free bread for Jared, and a thermos of coffee for each of them.

“You don’t want to… grab something? Before we go?” Richard shifted on his heels. “We could go out?”

“Even though Purim technically starts tomorrow, my family likes to start our fast today.” Jared explained. "I'm sorry, I should have warned you before hand, so you could grab something for breakfast."

“Nah, traveling on an empty stomach will help with the car sickness.” He sighed, tossing his overnight bag in the backseat before climbing in the passenger seat. “I brought my aux cord, if you want to-”

“We should probably use this time to prepare, don’t you think?”

Richard shrugged. “I mean, it’s been like, five years. We know each other pretty well, don’t you think?”

“Well of course, Richard, I know all of your dietary restrictions, I know when you’re feeling queasy, or when to bring you a cup of tea, but those are hardly…  _ boyfriend _ things.”

Richard gulped. “So… those are normal things? For you to do?”

“Of course Richard!”

Richard’s heart sunk. So those weren’t things that Jared did to show him affection, specifically. Those were just… normal Jared things.

“We need to at least let’s figure out the basics, yeah? How long we’ve been together, favorite foods, first date?” Jared said, interrupting the moment of silence.

“Hm, what’s a good first date for us?”

“Well, Richard, you don’t exactly seem like the type to set up a whole candle lit dinner soiree.”

He scoffed. “I could!”

“Have you?”

Richard crossed his arms, and didn’t answer.

“I think… we got caught up at work… working late. We ordered some chinease food, we got to talking, I stole one of your wontons, you ate my fortune cookie, and we… kissed.”

“Hm. Romantic.”

“You tasted like soy sauce.” Richard wrinkled his nose. “No, wait, that’s uh, kinda gross.”

“Well, no first date is perfect. It’s in the imperfections that one finds true love.”

“Alright. Imperfections. Got it. I could mention that you… mumbling German in your sleep?”

“And how would you explain to my mother that you know what I do in my sleep?”

“Shit, you’re right. Little details, but still PG. Anything you need to know about me?”

“Oh, of course!” Jared hummed, thinking it over. “I suppose… the most important thing would be which denomination did you grow up in?”

“Uh, what?”

“Hasidic, interdenominational, Ashkenazic, casual, Purnikkah?”

Richard blinked at him. “Bless you?”

He laughed. “Never heard of Purnikkah jews? They’re like Chreaster catholics, they only go to synagogue on Purim and Hanukkah.”

“Oh, heh, that’s a good joke but, uh, none? Of those?”

“Oh, did I miss one?”

“How would I know? I’m not Jewish.”

Jared pulled the car over so quickly that Richard  _ would _ have thrown up, had he broken his fast that morning. “Jared! What the fuck?!”

“You’re  _ not _ Jewish?!” Jared barked, his crazy eyes emerging. “Oh no. Oh no. This is  _ not _ going to work…”

“Why, Jared?” Richard’s adams apple bobbed erratically, giving away his fear. Fear of rejection, that this charade, that had so beautifully been working in his favor, would suddenly blow up in his face. “Did you… did you tell them I was Jewish?”

“Yes! Yes! I told them I was seeing a nice, industrious Jewish boy!”

“ _ Why?! Why did you do that?!” _

“Because I  _ was _ dating a nice Jewish boy!”

Richard sunk deep into the passenger seat, so deep that the seat belt dug into his chin. “Oh my god, oh my god, that’s why you picked me? Because you thought I was Jewish??”

“ _ Yes! _ Why else would I ask my  _ boss _ and  _ friend _ if he’d take his whole weekend off to do me the strangest favor I’ve ever asked!” Jared sighed, considering, then mumbled: “Not the strangest favor I’ve  _ been  _ asked, however.”

Richard’s heart sank deeper. So this wasn’t some sort of convoluted Rom-Com plot rip off on Jared’s part, a twisted attempt to win what he’d already won, Richard’s heart. This was as it seemed; a lie he was selling to a surrogate mother. Nothing to do with Richard at all. He was just the most convenient non-goy looking motherfucker around, apparently.

“You know what? You know what? This is fine.” Jared said, getting the car back on the road. “We can work with this. We’ll tell them you were raised in the culture but non religious. This is your first Purim, too! Yeah. that should help, then they’ll be more inclined to take it easy on you, but we’re really going to have to win them over in the romance department.”

Richard swallowed thickly. More romance, less religion? Now that, he could do. “So like… more casual touching, more heart eyes? I can do that. Maybe you could even… play with my hair. Or something.”

“Yes, that’s workable.”

“You know, anything you want to do on a whim, just do it. I’ll go with the flow.” 

“Okay, sample question.” Jared put on an overly exaggerated impression of what Richard could only assume was his mother. “When do you kids plan on making love for the first time?”

Richard balked. “Jared! What the fuck? There’s no way anyone would ask that!”

Jared stared at him. “Wow. you really aren’t Jewish, are you?”

“No! I was raised catholic! We barely  _ talked _ , much less asked each other about sex!”

“Well, the trick answer to that one is that we are waiting, that should please her. On all sex questions you should be able to default to your instincts.”

Richard gave a sigh of relief. “Okay, then what do I need to know about your eating habits, outside of all the allergies?”


	3. Chapter 3

The sun was beginning to dip below the California mountains when they finally pulled in to a small suburban driveway. 

“Ready?” Jared asked.

Richard nodded. “I think so.”

“Okay. Can you handle the wine? I’ll carry the gifts.”

He nodded again, this time with a spot more confusion.

When he joined Jared on the doorstep, the front door was already opening to reveal an older woman with short brown hair, that would be a bob if it weren’t styled out to its absolute maximum level of poof.

Jared accepted a kiss on both cheeks from the woman before handing over a huge basket of treats.

Richard held the wine to his chest tightly, nervously, hanging back.

“And this must be your sweetheart!” She said, attention turning to Richard.

“Uh, yeah, that’s me! Heh heh.” He said awkwardly, holding out the wine. “Uh, happy Purim.”

She chuckled. “Shalom! Come in, you two! We have so much to do!”

They shuffled in after her, through the foyer, where Jared touched two fingers to a scroll on the wall. He shot Richard a glance, indicating that he should follow suit. He did.

In the kitchen, a second woman, presumably Aunt Cynthia, was baking some sort of cookie. “Jared!” She cooed when he came in. “How are you my love, how are you?”

He kissed her cheek as well. “Auntie, this is Richard!”

“Yup, that’s me. I’m the boyfriend.” Richard waved his hands about. “I’m… the guy. I mean. Not that we… I mean, we’re both men.”

“I know honey.” She laughed. “Sit down, sit down, you look like you’re gonna burst. Jared! Get your man a water!” 

“Cynthia.” Ethel chastised. “Let ‘em both relax. They had a hard day!”

“Fine, fine, I’ll get the refreshments. Jared? Water?”

“Yes please.”

“Jared hasn’t told us much about you, Richard.” Ethel said, joining Aunt Cynthia behind the kitchen counter. “How did you guys meet? Do you work at Pied Piper too?”

“Uh, yeah, you could say that.” Richard chuckled. “I’m, uh, the CEO.”

“Oh my god!” Cynthia gasped. “That’s amazing! Our boy is moving up in the world, really dating upwards!”

“Well, Jared’s quite a catch himself!” Richard pat his arm awkwardly, not sure what level of affection he was allowed. He’d given Jared permission to do as he would, but the other had very pointedly not reciprocated. “He’s our Chief Operations Officer, he has so many people that report to him, it’s so hard to get a minute alone with him!”

“Oh, is that hard on you?” Ethel pouted.

“Oh, like you wouldn’t believe.” His hand fell to Jared’s, resting on it casually. “That’s how I knew, you know? We’ve been side by side for five years, and it wasn’t until this year that I started to… miss him, that I could even miss him. So I started setting up more meetings, more excuses to see him, but it wasn’t enough, you know? Eventually I had to ask him out, you know?”

Jared stared at him, a hint of a smile. “Oh, Richard…” He sighed,turning his hand over to take his own.

Both older women fawned over their displays, but Ethel broke first.

“So. When are you two planning on making love?”

Richard balked, but Jared swooped in to save the day. “About two days before you think it’s right and two days after Cynthia thinks it’s been too long.”

The answer seemed to please they, and they laughed. “Good answer, kiddo.”

Jared’s foster family questioned them for a few hours while they baked, asking more innocuous questions about Richard’s life, and thankfully stearing away from any questions about his religious upbringing. Mostly they wanted to hear about his work, but occasionally about their relationship, how it grew, how long they’d been together, all things that they’d covered in the car, so no sweat on that one.

Ethel proposed they watch a movie before bed, to help stave off any thoughts of dinner, as they were meant to be fasting (“Except the cookies!” Cynthia insisted. “Cookies don’t count against your fast, so eat up!”) until the following day, at the Carnival. 

Richard suggested the only movie featuring Jewish main characters he could think of, which was apparently  _ Yentle _ , and apparently a hilarious idea. Luckily, it was such a ridiculous idea, that Cynthia and Ethel thought he was kidding.

His second suggestion was  _ Runaway Bride _ , which seemed to be a classy move, as both of the women immediately warmed to him for suggesting a Julia Roberts movie. 

But Richard couldn’t focus on the film. He was too busy watching Jared out of the corner of his eyes, his eyes lighting up each time Julia Roberts was on screen (Which was most of the film) and mouthing the best lines along with it.

There was always something that bothered him about  _ runaway bride _ , and it wasn’t until this moment that he was actually able to put his finger on it. 

Julia Roberts’ character, at the beginning of this film, was a mold. She was soft clay, waiting to be molded by her next prospective lover. 

Julia Roberts… was Jared. Jared was Julia.

Jared deserved… so much more than the scumbags Julia Roberts was marrying in this movie. Jared deserved a Richard Gere.

God above, Richard hoped he could stop being a Hendricks and start being a Gere, if only for Jared’s sake. If only to show him how amazing he was, how loved he was, how much Richard was willing to give back if he weren’t so damn scared.

When the credits rolled, Jared wiped tears from the corner of his eyes, grinning widely.

“You remind me of her a lot, actually.” Richard laid an arm across the back of the love-seat they’d been given, inconspicuously laying his hand on Jared’s shoulder. “You’re so… giving. So strong. Maybe I get this one mixed up with  _ Pretty Woman _ a lot, and even with all the hardship in her life, she still manages to keep a smile on her face. That’s what I love about you, Jared. You’re always smiling.”

Jared stared at Richard, dumbfounded. He brought his hand up to his lips and kissed it gently in a silent thanks, before standing. “I think we need to get ready for bed. I’ll be back to say goodnight.”

Richard watched him leave, a bit struck himself, but also twinged with guilt. Was that Jared’s way of letting him down easy?

Ethyl and Cynthia got up as well, the former heading for Richard, house slippers padding ominously on the hardwood floor. “Richard, may I have a moment?”

He nodded dumbly, and she took Jared’s seat next to him.

“You really love our boy, don’t you?”

He gulped. “I do. We haven’t been together long but… I think I’ve been in love with him longer than I thought. I can’t… I can’t think of my life without him.” God, that felt good to get off his chest and not be met with a face full of Monica’s cigarette smoke.

Ethyl put a hand on Richard’s knee. “You know what, Richard? I like you.”

“Oh, Uh, I like you too.”

She paused, considering. “I think it would be fine if you and our boy shared the guest room.”

He sputtered, attempting to make a sentence resembling ‘what made you change your mind?’ but all that came out was “buhway?”

“When he first described you a few months ago, you seemed… kinda flakey. Like you’d run at the first sign of commitment. But it looks like a lot has changed between the two of you, you’ve grown stronger.” She squeezed his knee, hard. “But no funny business, okay? That’s my mother’s old room, and she will haunt me if I let any fooling around happen in there.”

Richard gulped. “Ah, uh, yes ma’am. Yes, of course. We’re supposed to be fasting after all, right?” He laughed nervously.

Ethyl tipped her head back and let out a large belly laugh. “Ha! That’s good, Richard. I knew I liked you. Alright, go on now. Don’t want to keep your man waiting.”

Richard took this opportunity to scramble off in the same direction that Jared went, shutting the door quickly behind him.

The ‘guest room’ looked like it hadn’t been touched since Ethyl’s grandmother apparently lived there last. Doilies covered just about every surface, and a small rear projection TV faced the bed from its position on the old, scratched up dresser. Each pillow was individually wrapped in that thick, pastel fabric that went out of fashion in the late 70’s, and the bed skirt had little painted hummingbirds all along the edge, feasting on flowers.

Jared stared at him from the en-suite bathroom, toothbrush still in his mouth. “Richard?” He mumbled around it. “Do you need your pyjamas? I brought your suitcase in already.”

“Uh, yeah.” He fumbled.

“Why do you look like that? Did I scare you?”

“What? No.” Richard shook his head vigorously, straightening a bit and taking a step away from the door. “Uh, it’s just that… Ethyl said I could sleep in here. Tonight.”

Jared pursed his lips slightly, but otherwise, his expression remained neutral. “Are you… comfortable? With that?”

“I am if you are.” He said, hopefully. “...Are you?”

“If you are.”

It was a non-answer, one that made Richard’s heart sink, but it was better than offering to sleep on the floor, or god, his own pull out couch. “I’ll just… change in the bathroom… really quick.”

When he emerged from the bathroom in his boxers and a loose fitting t shirt, Jared had already climbed into the far side of the bed, matching pajama set on and a book in hand. 

He met Richard’s longing gaze, and pat the bed beside him. “You coming?”

Richard’s eyes widened. “Uh, yeah, yes. Uh huh.” He scurried under the covers.

Jared turned off the lamp and set his book aside, settling down beside Richard.

“Richard, do you-”

“Jared, I-”

They said this simultaneously, each cutting themselves off. Richard turned over to face Jared, catching what he could see of his face in the faded moonlight. “You go first.”

“No, you.” Jared insisted.

“Uh, your mother said… she said she was okay with me sleeping in here if there wasn’t any… funny business.”

“Sounds about right.” He said with a small smile. “She just wants to protect me, that’s all.”

“She threatened the ghost of her dead mother on me, I think she was being serious.”

Jared gave a half shrug. “Either way, it all comes from love.”

“Yeah, but how believable is it that we’d be able to keep our hands to ourselves?” Richard asked. “Like, if there wasn’t at least  _ a little _ evidence that we’d skirted the rules… wouldn’t they get suspicious?” 

Jared nodded, humming his agreement. “I think I see where you’re going. Would you mind moving your shirt collar a bit?”

Richard gulped. Holy shit, it was working. Jared was actually okay with marking him, even if it was only for a charade. He tugged his shirt collar aside, leaning his neck over enough to make room for Jared.

The other reached over, caressing the nape of his neck gently. The tips of his long, lithe fingers were so soft, so delicate, Richard imagined them-

Jared dug his nails into the nape of Richard’s neck in a tight crescent, gripping him so tightly he thought he’d pass out from the shock.

He cried out, which only earned him one of Jared’s hands firmly pressed over his mouth.

When he was released, he swatted at Jared’s hands petulantly. “What the holy hell was that?!”

Jared shrugged innocently. “A hickey. Or, at least, it will look like one. Maybe. Depending on how you bruise.”

“Wh- why?”

He stared at him as though it were obvious. “So… it looks like you have a hickey? Like you suggested?”

“Right.” Richard said with a sigh, rolling over once more and curling up on his side, where Jared couldn’t see the flush of his cheeks. “Thanks, Jared. Goodnight.”

“Sleep tight.”

Richard squeezed his eyes shut, desperately chasing away his own embarrassment in search of sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Sorry for my absence, I took a hiatus to work on two separate fics for the winter gift exchange. I figured I'd make it up to you with a longer chapter than I'm used to, and a fifth on the way very soon. 
> 
> It was kind of thrown together though, so if you see any mistakes, don't hesitate to let me know!

Richard woke the next morning covered in sweat. His back, in particular, was sticky to the touch, and his hands cramped, as if he’d been squeezing them all night. The sweat itself wouldn’t be so odd, if his chest were also sticky, but it was only his back. 

He hummed his confusion to himself as he sat up and turned over to…

An empty bed.

His unspoken question was answered by the sound of the shower turning off, and a towel-clad Jared emerging. “Oh. Did I wake you?”

“No, No, I woke on my own.” He rubbed the back of his neck. It was slightly sore, like he’d slept on something more rigid than a pillow. “Jared, did something happen last night?”

He stared at him. “Oh, uh, perhaps you had too much coffee. you , uhm, you started sweating again.”

“Oh, jesus.” Richard swore under his breath.

“Or, or,” Jared said quickly, holding out his hands to stop whatever careening Richard’s train of thought was about to go on. “Perhaps the two of us sleeping together, or rather, sharing a bed, was… too hot for you? Temperature wise?”

“But then why just my back-”

“We should get ready for the parade.” He interrupted. “Do you need a shower?”

“I should be fine.” He rolled out of bed and grabbed a set of clothes from his overnight bag, then darted into the bathroom.

The fake hickey was purpling nicely, though it wasn’t exactly shaped right. Not that Richard would know. 

He changed quickly and joined the others in the kitchen. Cynthia was making pancakes, and she passed one to Richard the moment he sat down.

“Oh, uh, thanks.” He said softly. Shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

Ethyl noticed the bruise on his shoulder almost immediately. “Richard. I said no funny business.”

“He wasn’t laughing.” Jared quipped back, earning him a hoot from Cynthia behind the counter. 

Richard blushed deeply and tried to drown himself in orange juice. 

“Hey, hey, save some for the fish.” Ethyl chided. “Richard, Jared tells us this is your first Purim.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, the first time I’ve actually been to a parade, yeah.”

“Well, don’t you worry. It’s a lot like… Mardi Gras.”

He shook his head. “Never been to that either.”

“Well, unfortunately, we’re the boring type.” Cynthia said from the kitchen. “I always make Ethyl and the kids go to Synagogue first.” When Richard blinked at her, she continued. “For the reading of The Megillah.”

“It can be fun.” Jared assured him, a hand on his knee. “You have to boo every time you hear ‘Haman’, okay?”

“That, I can do.”

~*~

It took until they were forty feet from the church-  _ Synagogue, right, Synagogue,  _ Richard corrected himself in his head- For Ethyl to realise what they were missing.

She snapped her fingers in Jared’s direction to get his attention. “Donny, Donny honey, did you-”

“I go by Jared now, mother.”

“Yes, yes, Jared, sorry.” She shook her head and wrung her hands. “Jared honey, did you remember your Kippahs? You can’t pray without them.”

When Jared and Richard both gave her blank looks, her fears were realised.

Cynthia stepped in between them, pulling two smaller yarmulkes from her ginormous grandma purse. “I got some, Ethyl, don’t worry.” She affixed them in Jared and Richard’s hair, respectively, before ushering them through the giant oak doors. 

Richard glanced to Jared for help, but he was staring down at the top of Richard’s head, at the hat, more specifically, transfixed. 

“Jared? You okay?” He whispered as they were ushered down the aisle. “You look… off. Did you accidentally eat some gluten?”

“Huh? Oh, no, none of the pancakes had gluten in them.” Jared assured him. “It’s just… your Kippah.”

“Is it crooked?” He asked, reaching up to fiddle with it, but his hand was stopped by Jared’s own.

“It was Simon’s.” He said softly.

Richard gave him a confused look. “Who?”

Jared shook his head, but he took Richard’s hand nonetheless, leading him to their seats. 

Richard followed Jared in anything he did. Stomping his feet and booing when that… one guys name popped up. 

Midway through the service, Richard stretched his arm across the back of the pew, resting it against Jared’s back subtly. The other leaned into it, a small smile creeping onto his face.

Neither of them noticed Cynthia whipping out her phone.

  
  


Unlike Richard’s memories from his catholic upbringing, church was… kind of fun? When it was over, they shuffled out with the rest of them, into the streets, already in full swing. 

“You boys need something to eat before the parade?” Cynthia asked, collecting their Kippahs. 

They both shrugged, Jared’s hand slipping into Richard’s as naturally as if… as if he really did love him in return. “We should be fine for now, your breakfast was so divine, I can’t imagine following it up so soon.”

Richard clung tightly to that hand, tugging it and subsequently Jared towards where the crowds were gathering. “It really is sort of like Mardi Gras!” He said, watching in bewonderment as a troupe of bearded men in elaborate fairy costumes danced by. “I wouldn’t think this would be… well, Kosher, for lack of a better word.”

“It’s hard to wrap your head around, huh?” Jared smirked down at him. “We’re nothing like the movies.”

Richard gave a pointed glance at Ethyl and Cynthia, then back to Jared skeptically.

“Okay. 99%.” He winked, leaning in close to whisper. “I think they play it up for guests. Last Rosh Hashanah they were… well, not normal, but close to.”

“Boys!” Cynthia called to them. “Let’s get a picture! Scootch in, kiddos!”

Jared’s hand came to rest around his waist, on the opposite hip, dragging him close for the picture.

But one picture could not satisfy Cynthia’s embarrassing-relative instincts. “Should we do a silly one? Let’s do a silly one!” Which was almost immediately followed by “Now a sweet one, boys! Give us a sweet one!”

Before he could even think it through fully, Richard found his lips pressed to Jared’s soft cheek, as much as he could through his unshakable grin.

Jared gulped, an inaudible sound save for the lack of distance between them.

Ethyl and Cynthia cooed, rejoining them and trying to get them to review the photos. Neither of them could focus. Well, on the photos that is. Richard couldn’t stop focusing on the hand on his hip, burning heat into his skin.

Towards the latter half of the parade, they broke off to get food in pairs.

Jared and Richard didn’t say a word to one another until they found themselves on a bench, too far to see the parade but well sheltered from the crowd.

“Good thinking, earlier.” Jared finally said, picking at his black bean burrito, still not having taken a bite. “With the kiss.”

Richard’s eyes widened in panic, and he swallowed his mouthful of his own taco. “Uh, thanks.”

And the two fell into a brief silence once again.

“Jared, who’s Simon?”

Jared’s face fell, his lips drawing together. “Simon is… well, he’s Ethyl’s son.”

Richard frowned. “That’s the first time I’ve heard anyone in this house refer to him in the present tense. Did something… happen?”

“Something always happens, Richard.” Jared sighed.

Richard took his hand, a chaste gesture, but genuine all the same. “Jared…”

“He was my roommate, remember? So I’m the one that… found him.” He swallowed thickly, holding back tears. “We weren’t best friends or anything, but we were still fond of one another. I’d met Ethyl and Cynthia before then, been over a few times. Simon hadn’t really had any Jewish friends before, and when I told him about my… situation, he was eager to bring me home. So… I had to be the one who called Ethyl.”

“Oh.” Richard said softly.

“The three of us sort of… clung together, after that. There are only so many times you can cry on another person’s sweater before you start to bond. I started to stay with them over breaks and visit sometimes on the weekends. I think… I think it helped us, to not be lonely after that.”

Richard leaned his head on Jared’s shoulder, giving him just an ounce of the comfort he wished he could give.

“They… they don’t talk about him much, but I think it gets easier as the years pass.”

“Jared, I’m so sorr-”

He was cut off by Jared’s obnoxiously loud ringtone. “It’s Ethyl.” He answered. “Hey! Yeah, meet you by the car? Amazing, see you soon.”

“Time to go?”

Jared nodded solemnly, wiping his face clean and throwing away his untouched burrito.

Richard took his hand as they wove through the crowd. Jared squeezed back.


	5. Chapter 5

Ethyl and Cynthia, the old bats, retired to bed no later than 8:30 PM, after finishing off the last of the cookies with the boys.

Jared and Richard stayed up to a reasonable time, huddled on the love seat in front of the TV, flipping channels. 

“So they’re like, ‘a thing’, right?” Richard whispered, scooting closer to the middle of the couch.

Jared hummed, turning his head towards him but not taking his eyes off the TV. 

“Ethyl and Cynthia. They’re like… together.”

“Hm? Oh. Oh yes! Of course.”

“Why Aunt Cynthia then?”

“They got together after… everything happened. So they were already ‘Mom’ and ‘Aunt Cynthia’. Cindy, if Ethyl was mad.”

“Oof, shortening the name in anger. That’s a new one.” Richard shoved his arm playfully. Jared flinched. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay.” He said quickly. “I think we’ve both had our moments of trepidation this weekend.”

Richard blinked at him. “Jared, if this is about the kiss, I’m sorry.”

“I’m glad.” Jared snapped softly; Ethyl and Cynthia were just down the hall, after all. “You know, I wouldn’t have invited you if I thought you were going to take advantage of my feelings all weekend. Hell, I  _ tried _ to outsource the job, but my Craigslist ad got flagged, so here we are.”

“Take advantage of your… huh?”

“Don’t gaslight me, Richard. You know I have feelings for you, and I’m sorry that I’ve brought you along, thereby putting you in this predicament, but taking it out on me by… by… kissing me and suggesting  _ Runaway Bride _ and taking Ethyl up on her offer to share the room, it’s crossed a line, Richard! You can’t do this to me!” He finally finished, breathing heavily. He didn’t have the lung capacity for dramatic speeches.

Richard stared at him, eyes welling up in something akin to joy, not that Jared could much tell. He opened and closed his mouth several times, thinking he’d found the words to respond, only for his brain to fail him again.

Jared’s face softened. “Oh dear, Richard, I’m… I’m so sorry for blowing up like that. Julia always does this to me, she… invigorates me, encourages me to speak my mind.” He swallowed. Richard kept staring. “I’m sorry, Richard. But those are my true feelings. But I’m sorry that it had to… come out that way.”

“Jared…” He finally found the words to speak. “You love me too?”

“‘Too?!’”

“Monica, she told me not to come on this trip because I might be… emotionally compromised. I’m so, so sorry if it seemed like I was playing with you, but I promise you, my feelings are nothing but genuine.”

Jared stared at him, completely baffled. “Richard… I’ve told you I love you, multiple times, but every time I do you get this… glassy look in your eyes.”

His eyes softened and he squeezed Jared’s nearest available hand. “I guess… maybe I was having an episode. You seem like the type of person who is almost always telling people you love them. I mean, you  _ love  _ lavender infused cheese and corgis and birdwatching, how am I supposed to know that loving me was any different?”

Jared took up both of his hands, squeezing them gently. “Richard. I would give up all the lavender and the corgis and the birds in the world if it meant I could be with you. I would give up my entire being, everything that defined me as myself, for you to love me.”

“I would never do that, Jared.”

“I know you wouldn’t.” He smiled down at him. “And that’s why I know you’re the one.”

Richard couldn’t control his impulses, he could only watch as he mounted Jared right there on the couch and awkwardly pressed their mouths together, rough to the point that their teeth clinked. Jared simply smiled, treading his long fingers into Richard’s curls and guiding him into a much gentler, yet persistent, kiss. His teeth dragged across Jared’s bottom lip, and he pulled away barely a centimeter to whisper “Bedroom?” Against Jared’s lips. He was met with a nod.

They didn’t make love that night. Richard figured Jared would want to refer to it as making love, given his penchant for saying things only people in the 50’s would. Hands wandered, lips met, hips rolled against one another, but they mutually agreed, silently, to keep everything strictly over-the-pajamas, at least while the ghost of Jared’s foster grandmother watched over them.

This didn’t, however, stop Jared from whispering. His bottom lip caressed the outer shell of Richard’s ear, muttering exactly what he’d do to him the moment they had a bit more privacy.

“My condo is more private.” He whispered, nipping at Richard’s earlobe. Richard gasped. “I would get out the silk sheets for you, Richard. Take you apart on top of them, put you back together under them.”

Richard gave a breathy giggle. “Put me back together? What do you mean, how?”

“With my tongue.” He nipped at Richard’s jugular.

“Oh… Jesus Christ…” He sighed, one hand fisting in Jared’s hair, encouraging him more enthusiastically towards his neck. “Wh-What else?”

Jared rolled his hips, grinding himself into Richard. “I want to show you every corner of pleasure, of desire. I want to send a shiver down your spine every time I say your name.”

Richard dragged him down into a messy kiss, mostly grazing his chin. “I want that, Jared, I want you so… so badly.”

“Tell me what else you want, baby.” Jared moved to the fake hickey he’d planted the night before, sealing his lips over it to correct the shoddy work. 

“I want to wake up next to you, tucked against you.” Richard said without thinking.

Jared hummed his affirmation.

“I want to make you breakfast and kiss you, fuck morning breath.” He gasped. “I want to take the Volvo to work, together. I want to hold your hand at office luncheons. I want the whole world to know that I lo-”

Jared cut him off with a kiss, not a deep, exploring, sensual kiss, but soft. Passionate. Deep in an entirely different way. A kiss that reached into his chest and cradled his heart.

When they broke apart, Jared lingered close, lips brushing as they spoke. “I will shout it from the rooftops.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys!!!! It's actually Purim!!! Happy Purim to you all. I love you so much, not only for your support through this fic, but also for all the love in this fandom over all!!! You guys are the best!!
> 
> Special thanks to Beefmaster (Ladiesloveduranduran on Tumblr) for all her help!

“You kids will come back for Passover, right?”

“What, like, all seven days?” Richard asked incredulously.

“Yeah, why not!” Ethyl swiped a hand through the air dramatically. “You need an excuse to leave that stuffy office job of yours. Come out to the country! Say hi for a bit!”

Jared leaned down to kiss her cheek. “I’ll see what we can do.”

“We love you.” Cynthia crowded the both of them into an involuntary group hug. “We’ll miss you.”

“We’ll miss you too.”

It was with that that the two of them finally dragged their luggage back to Jared’s car, feet dragging imperceptibly.

Neither spoke for the first forty-five minutes of the drive, Jared content with the silence and Richard focusing desperately on not being carsick.

Finally, the latter spoke. “So. Are we still… setting a meeting with HR?”

“We have to if we’re going to continue seeing each other, right?” Richard didn’t take his eyes off of his thumbs, twiddling in his lap. “I don’t want you to be my dirty little secret, Jared.”

“But what if it all falls apart? What if we’ve built up this idea of each other in our minds, only to discover the real thing barely holds a candle?”

“Okay, first of all, ouch.” He huffed. “Second, since when did you become the neurotic one, and me the hopeful one?”

Jared didn’t look at him, simply reached across the console and took his partner’s hand. “Ever since I fell asleep to the beat of your heart, darling.”

_ Two weeks later _ :

They’d kept their affair under wraps fairly well. Richard’s nervousness around Jared in the office didn’t seem any more odd than he had been before their vacation. Jared’s affection towards Richard ranked about the same on the scale of oddness in comparison.

The only difference seemed to be that Jared was giving Richard a lot more rides home, though why Richard was ever taking Ubers in the place was still up for much debate, so it could be chalked up to friendship along with everything else.

Richard had made himself a messy nest on a spare table in the corner of Jared’s apartment, claiming it as his own by proxy. They’d usually spend the hour after work continuing to do just that, and then the next hour making dinner. (Although, it was usually Jared making dinner, and Richard continued fiddling with whatever side project he was working on.)

It only took about fifteen minutes after the dishes were soaking in the sink before Richard was pawing at Jared’s button down, dragging him back to the couch for some much needed alone time.

What struck Jared as odd, that fateful day two weeks into this… thing they had going on, was that Richard did not, in fact, try to unbuckle his belt while he was trying to wash bowls after broccoli-and-soy-cheese-soup-night.

“Richard? Is the soy turning your tummy again?” He called over his shoulder.

Richard cleared his throat softly.

He was bent down on one knee in the traditional fashion, but rather than a velvet box, he brandished a sheet of paper, tri folded.

“Richard?” Jared’s eyebrows furrowed. “What?”

“Donald Jared Dunn,” He said through the World’s Cheekiest Grin. “Will you be officially my HR sanctioned boyfriend?”

He couldn’t help but laugh. He laughed as he plucked the paper from Richard’s fingers, signing it without a moment’s hesitation. He was on the brink of tears, joyful ones, thankfully, as he tackled Richard to the kitchen floor, kissing every bit of exposed skin he could find, digging his fingers under his hoodie to find more.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you thought of the finale! Love you all.


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